Pain

I haven't written on this blog for a while and I guess that's good since no body really reads it. I think the stress of life has finally got to me so much that this is my only outlet now. It's hard when you have days that you don't know if you can make it through the next hour with out internally combusting let alone to the end of the day. I have to admit that sleep seems to be my only escape so I use it a lot. I wish I could just find a way to love life again even with all it's stresses, but all that is happening is just tolerating. The hard part is watching my beautiful boys suffer through Mommy's moods not know anything about adult stresser's. I'm sure some times they wonder if they are the cause for my sadness. I wish I could buck up for their sakes. I've tried to think about them but all that does is overwhelm me all over again and remind me of every way I'm failing. I feel like I'm dieing inside and there is nothing I can do about it. Some day's I wonder if I am and I just don't know it yet.

Anxiety

Anxiety why do you plague me. I don't understand your need. You make me hurt and hate and hide. I don't like you. Why can't you just leave me alone. Some day our paths will part, but until then we struggle. You win then I win and you win again. I wish it was as simple to overcome you as it is to get you. Do you think your helping me, because your not. Do you think your in control of me, because your not. I'm not going to let you make me fear my life. I'm going to win. SO GO!...and do not return.

Strain

picture taken by me at the St. Louis Temple Grounds.

Some days I feel the strain of to much responsibility. It's difficult because I love my responsibilities. I hope one day to figure out how to over come the pressure I feel and just enjoy the strain. The tree that strains against the wind only becomes stronger I hear. I hope I become stronger and not just bent. May peace find me soon!

Beauty

What is Beauty? Beauty is the crimson leaf that flutters to the ground after working so hard all year for the tree it so loves. Beauty is the fire fly glowing for a mate, searching for it's love. Beauty is the smile of a wee man child when he sees his mother first thing in the morning. Beauty is that last moment spent with the one you love before they travel the road before you to your maker. Beauty doesn't belong to fashion or styles or fads. True beauty belongs to life, to the little things that bring joy and a better tomorrow. Beauty is the sun rise on a new day that you know will bring all the hopes you ever wished because your willing to Hope.

Hurting and Healing

I'm Hurting today. I don't know what is the matter with me. It just seems like I can't feel good. I know I'm tired but that's no excuse for feeling like I don't care about life. I don't understand me. Why can't I stay happy. Why am I so depressed with my life. Why can't I keep up. It seems like the day starts and I have a big list of what I'm going to do and I get one thing done. So tomorrow my list will not only have what I needed to do today but all the things I needed to do all the other days. I'm also feeling anxiety. Over what I'm not sure but it's like the world is crushing down on me and telling me that it's going to destroy what I have worked so hard to create. One day I hope to reach out of all this darkness and obtain eternal light. Until then it's one foot in front of the other, day after day, week after week, year after year. Father in Heaven please send Jesus back soon. We can't go on like this for much longer.

I love flowers

I love flowers! They are so amazingly beautiful and pure. Sometimes I like to think of myself as a flower all peaceful in the sunshine, Swaying in the breeze,bringing joy to all who look on me. I hope somehow my life will be like a beautiful rose. Much expected, small and budding, blooming into glory, and sadly missed as I wilt and pass.